and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
