I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!