I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
