there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
