this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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