I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
