my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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