dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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