I wish I could teleport
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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