And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
