When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
