OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i need some magic done to my vagina
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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