Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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