I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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