Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
