I've blown a few things in my day
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
