Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
