Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
