I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
