I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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