I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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