At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
