is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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