i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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