i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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