Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
