I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
