tell your sister to shave her snatch
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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