Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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