Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
