I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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