A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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