I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
