OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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