Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
