Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Alive.
So much puke
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Randomize
