So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
