if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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