Soap is not a condiment
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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