I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
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My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
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You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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