dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
