sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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