I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
