I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
