so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I woke up under a house in Key West
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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