Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
