I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
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the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
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I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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