you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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