I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
