she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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