I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
