I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
