I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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