How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
is this the sara with the beer cane?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Randomize
