there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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