I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
