fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
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