apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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