bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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