i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Do you remember whose house we're in?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
