i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
