I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
