I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
not ubering you a puppy
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
