Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
