Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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