my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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