Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So I just went to clothing optional bar
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
