im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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