Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
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And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
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You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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